People Pleasing: When We Turn Ourselves Into A Pretzel

I often describe people pleasing as being a bit like turning ourselves into a pretzel. Twisting and bending to keep everyone else comfortable. Saying yes when we mean no. Avoiding difficult conversations. Taking responsibility for things that were never ours to carry.

Many of us do it without even realising.

What starts as being caring, thoughtful or accommodating can slowly become a habit. We get used to checking in with everyone else before checking in with ourselves. We become skilled at reading the room, anticipating other people’s needs and trying to keep the peace.

Over time, it can leave us feeling exhausted, resentful and a little disconnected from ourselves. People pleasing may help others, but it can come at a cost to us.

I often hear clients say they don’t know what they want anymore. They’re so used to adapting to everyone around them that their own needs, feelings and opinions have become harder to hear.

In therapy, this is often something we begin to notice together. Many people pleasing patterns develop for good reasons: they may once have helped us feel safe, accepted or loved.

We might then start exploring where these patterns came from; not with judgement or criticism, but with curiosity. These reflections may sound like:

• What were these patterns helping you with?

• What made it feel necessary?

• Are these people pleasing behaviours still serving you now?

• When did it become your job to keep everyone else comfortable?

• What happens when you disappoint someone, say no or put your own needs alongside theirs?

Therapy can offer a place to begin to notice these patterns and gently work through them, helping us to develop a clearer sense of ourselves and our boundaries.

The goal isn’t to stop caring about others. It’s to stop disappearing in the process.

After all, relationships tend to feel healthier when we're no longer trying to be a pretzel for everyone else.