Why Do I Feel Stuck? Fear, Overthinking and Moving Forward

Why do some people seem able to make a decision and just go for it, while others can feel completely stuck?

They decide they want a different job and apply for one. They book the trip, join the gym, end the relationship, start dating again, say no to something they don’t want to do or finally have the conversation they’ve been avoiding.

For other people, it can feel much harder. Feeling stuck and overthinking can leave you questioning what to do next. 

Frustration and self criticism can start to creep in. You can want things to be different and spend weeks going backwards and forwards about what to do. Then comes the thought that surely, if you really wanted to do it, you’d just do it?

Not necessarily.

Fear has a funny way of getting involved in our decisions without us always recognising it as fear. It can look like procrastination, overthinking, asking everyone else what they would do, researching something to death or telling ourselves we’ll do it when we feel more confident.

There can also be comfort in knowing where we are, even when we don’t particularly like it there. At least we know what we’re dealing with. Change asks us to give up some of that control because we can’t know exactly what will happen next.

That can be difficult if you’ve spent a lot of your life trying to get things right. Maybe you’ve learnt to keep other people happy, worried about criticism, found it difficult to disappoint people or become very aware of how other people might react to you.

If any of that sounds familiar, telling yourself to just get on with it probably isn’t going to help very much.

It might be more useful to work out what you’re actually frightened of.

What do you think will happen if you make the decision?

Is the fear about getting it wrong, regretting it, failing, upsetting somebody or being judged? Are you trying to work out every possible outcome before allowing yourself to move?

We can waste an awful lot of energy trying to control things we can’t control, particularly other people’s reactions.

Try bringing yourself back to what you do know. What do you want? What do you need? What is actually within your control here? If the whole decision feels too big, what could you do that would move things along without having to solve everything today?

Talking it through can help. So can gathering information, writing things down or giving yourself a date when you’ll make a decision. The important thing is noticing whether you’re genuinely working something through or going round and round the same thoughts hoping that eventually you’ll feel completely certain.

More thinking doesn’t always bring more clarity.

Confidence is interesting too. We often think we need to feel confident before we do something. Confidence can grow with small, gentle steps. We do things we weren’t completely sure about, get through it and realise we coped. That experience gives us a little more trust in ourselves the next time.

Moving forward doesn’t mean becoming fearless. There will always be things we can’t predict or control.

It may be more about learning that we can feel unsure and still make a choice.

If anxiety, fear or overthinking are keeping you stuck, counselling can be a place to understand what is getting in the way rather than simply telling yourself that you should be able to get on with it.

Adele MK MBACP

Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Grow2BeCounselling

Individual and Couples Counselling in Chorlton, Manchester and online across the UK